Jay’s Blog – Forever Yours
The money-sucking juggernaut that is the Great Mouse lured me into his web of memories again this week.
I attended a Christian school conference for organizations worldwide, representing schools in the U.S., U.K., Australia, Canada, and other countries. The conference was located at a hotel in Orlando just outside Disney Springs, which used to be called Downtown Disney the last time I was there. This, of course, is the part of Disney that has all the same restaurants and stores in every other mall in America, and yet Talbot’s, Claire’s, and Build-a-Bear seem so much more magical when they’re Disney-themed, don’t they?
I was traversing the mean streets of Disney Springs (nee Downtown), surrounded by throngs of overstimulated kids and their exasperated parents, when I saw the little shuttle boat putter by. Immediately, my mind and heart reminisced about nearly two decades ago, when I had brought my daughters to this exact location, using the same boat to travel from our hotel to Downtown for a dinner at Planet Hollywood. There she ate their first chocolate mousse, which they were relieved at the time was not an actual moose. Walking through the parks, holding little hands, watching those tiny pigtails bouncing… these sights and sounds reminded me of everything I love about being a girl dad.
It seems like God ordained me to raise women from birth. I grew up in a house full of women, with three sisters and a mom. The men in my house were distant figures. My father lived with another family; my stepdad, a lawyer, spent much time away from home. And so, when Grace called me away from practicing law, one of the big draws was the opportunity to be more present for my girls in a way I hadn’t experienced.
I always wanted girls. I deeply admire you guys who are raising little men, and I think little boys are awesome. But girls were my thing. That doesn’t mean this whole girl thing has been easy. Far from it. You would think that being surrounded by women all my life would have rubbed off on me—that I would be a font of knowledge into the female psyche and soul for the rest of you guys. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint. I still know virtually nothing about women. They are an elusive mystery to me. I actually think God made it that way so that loving and caring for her will require us to press into him and to seek his wisdom in learning how to love and serve our women.
The first thing you have to know is that the rules of logic don’t apply to girl-raising. Therefore, as primarily logical male beings, you are already starting in a hole. For example, you may think you’re coming up with perfectly rational reasons for why she should feel differently than how she’s currently feeling or how the problem she’s currently experiencing really does have a basic solution. This is what she wants you to think as she lures you in, then pummels you with mind-bending emotional judo. You won’t understand it; it will usually be coupled with copious tears; you’ll look to her mom for support, and she’ll just shake her head at you like you are the world’s foremost emotional moron, and you’ll suddenly realize you’ve just lost a game you didn’t even realize you were playing.
Instead, raising girls is more like Aikido—you take the emotional energy of these beautiful creatures and redirect it—in this case, toward Jesus–rather than onto the mat. Like Aikido, it takes time to figure it out and is very mystical. As you master this art, here are some things to keep in mind.
If you still have girls in elementary school or younger, she probably loves hanging out with you, sitting on your lap, and showing off for you. She may want to play pretend with you. Jump on this season while you can, guys. No woman has ever been or will ever be this into you, not even your wife, when you still had all your hair and weighed 30 pounds less than you do now. The studies show that this is your daughter’s most spiritually-formative season. So much of how she will come to view their heavenly Father in her later years will be rooted in how she sees you now. That feels like a TON of pressure, right? But, really, it’s just about loving her, laughing with her, holding her, and being gentle and kind with her.
Praise this lovely being God has given you. Don’t be insincere or overdo it—she’s smarter about this stuff than you think, and she will spot inauthenticity. Don’t tell her she’s something she’s not, but she is beautiful in some way, and you, of all people, can speak that into her at this point in her life in a way no one else can, in a way that will genuinely form and shape her self-image. Let her know she is beautiful and precious to you.
When she does something well or honestly praiseworthy, ensure she feels your genuine approval through hugs and words. Be into what she’s into; just don’t be too into it. Don’t try to make her a soccer or softball player if she’s a cheerleader or dancer. You had your chance to be a big star in high school, brother, and there’s nothing more pathetic than one of those dudes trying to relive his glory days through his daughter, no less. You’ve seen it in other guys—don’t be that guy. Clap for your ballerina or cheerleader (but take some earplugs to the competition because the decibel level of those little squealers is five times more destructive to your hearing than those front row seats you had to Pearl Jam in ’95). Be careful that your kids’ activities don’t become your idols, cutting into other family pursuits and Sunday worship. Keep it all in a healthy balance, but be interested.
Unlike boys, you will protect your girl until you give her to another man. That may be decades. I have 20-somethings who aren’t married, and when their cars have trouble or they have work issues or questions, I get the call. And I should. Start normalizing your role as her protector now, when she’s young. If her shorts are too short when she’s walking out of the house at age 6 or 8, and you say, “Sweetie, why don’t you put on something a little longer before we go to dinner?” It will be WAY easier to do the same thing when she’s 16 (I’m not saying you won’t get the patented teen girl eye roll—you probably will; I’m just saying she’ll expect it from you).
Ask her about her friends—what they’re like—and get to know them. Let her know that they’re important to you as well. Friends are like oxygen to a girl, so it’s another way of demonstrating you value what she does. When she experiences friend trouble (note that I said when not if), it’s not the appropriate time to express your frustration with the child who is hurting her, even though your protective father’s heart may make you feel like feeding that child to hungry wolves. Instead, after you’ve comforted and hugged her to show you understand, ask your girl why she thinks that friend is acting that way. What pain, insecurity, suffering, or family issues are happening in that friend’s life to provoke that behavior?
This is one of those times when looking at it a little logically is super helpful. When you walk your girl through this line of thinking, you help her in two ways. First, you help her depersonalize her friend’s hurtful treatment, helping her realize it’s rooted much more in her friend’s state of mind than some defect in your child’s character. Secondly, and even more powerfully, you help your kid develop empathy, a critically valuable life skill for a follower of Jesus and emotionally-intelligent human being. In fact, moments like these were when I felt I was best able to shepherd and steward my girls’ lives.
The caveat to being available when she cries and walking her through this tough stuff is to help her to be a little tough, too. There are genuine issues, and then there are what we call “princess problems.” We will all indeed suffer in a Genesis 3 world. Life is full of disappointment, and these are wonderful shepherding opportunities to be God’s hand in your girl’s life. But, “I don’t have the latest upgrade on the iPhone like my friends?” “I don’t have ‘anything’ to wear to school or whatever I’m attending.” These are “princess problems”; my advice is don’t do princess problems in your house. Teach her to work hard in school, be grateful for what she has, play through tough times, don’t escape from her, work things out with their friends, and don’t gripe about her behind their backs. These lessons build resilient, strong women rather than drama queens.
There’s not a perfect formula for success. My girls are not living perfect, storybook lives. If peace and prosperity is your goal for them, look elsewhere (I’m not sure where). But, they love Jesus and are making good decisions with the things they have some control over, and they trust the Lord in the hard. I used to think parenting was kind of over when she graduated and got a job. Heh, heh, heh, silly me.
Along the way, all our kids, whether boys or girls, are going to make mistakes, sometimes big ones. But if we’ve loved them, been available for them, and used the hardships of life to teach them the ways of Christ, they’ll know that they have a daddy who loves them, and, more importantly, a Heavenly Father who loves them and who is all they really need. And, even when your daughter is 50 and sitting with you while you eat dinner in “the home” at 4:30 pm with your portable oxygen, she’ll still be our little girl. She’s forever yours.
Jay Ferguson, Ph.D., Head of School at Grace Community School, writes regularly on his blog, JaysBlog.org.